Slowly Weaning

I'm managing to slowly wean DD off of breastfeeding -- I think.

One significant improvement is that I don't nurse her all night long anymore. We simply don't take her out of the crib when she wakes up and, though every single pediatrician and dentist out there would recommend against this, we give her a bottle in bed to help her go back to sleep. Usually she just takes a few slurps and is out again.

So when do I still nurse her? Well, during the day if I'm around and she gets hurt-- i.e. pushed over by her brother or trips over my feet or simply not getting enough attention, she'll always want to come over to me for a little nibble. And there's very little I can do to distract her from this. She'll keep crying and moping and fighting for the breast until she gets it. Once she's on, however, she'll pretty easily be distracted by some exciting thing that her brother is doing and she'll forget all about me and my milky appendages.

I also often nurse her in the mornings. Once it gets to be around 6am or later and if she wakes up crying, DH will bring her over to me or else I'll just give up and bring her to bed. Sometimes she'll fall asleep again but often she'll drift in and out until... you guessed it.. her brother does something to distract her and then our day has begun.

Gotta Cut Down

I'm in a really bad breastfeeding cycle. The DD is over a year now and I have been taking her to my bed to nurse her almost every night when she wakes up (which is usually within about five minutes after I've finally put my head down on my pillow for the night). I am too tired to sit there and soothe her in her crib, and yet I really don't like nursing for six hours straight, which is what often happens once she ends up in my bed. There are times when I'll soothe her back to sleep without taking her out of the crib or else sometimes I'll entice her with a bottle (please don't let her teeth turn black, please don't let her teeth turn black... well, she's only got two right now anyway). And sometimes I actually pull her out, nurse her, and then stick her back in the crib but none of those methods are very rewarding because she'll usually just wake up again in a matter of minutes and demand more attention -- i.e. me getting out of bed once more. Between constant up and downs or just being sucked on all night, I choose the latter. She's not so into the pacifier anymore, so it's hard to just replace my real live breast for a synthetic one like I used to.

There are a couple of plausible solutions to this problem. The first, which I implement on weekends or vacation days, is to send DH in there. He 'aint got no milk to give her and therefore he can get her back to sleep without tempting her with a breast. Sometimes this backfires, though, and I can hear her screaming becoming louder and more desperate until finally he brings her back to sleep with me.

Plan number two is simply to implement sleep training. I don't know if either of us has the resolve to do this on any sort of regular basis, though we all know it's potentially a small sacrifice for a big reward.

Solution number three is just to start weaning. It may be time. She doesn't seem interested, but I guess she's not the only one making the decision about it. I'll keep all of my faithful readers posted.

Enough

DD, God bless her, recently decided that the only way she will agree to be soothed is to nurse. I think that part of it is that she's been with 2 different caregivers recently besides me, which is a routine we're going to be starting for this school year. Or it might possibly be her new way to stake a claim to mommy. She is highly competitive with her brother over my attention. When they're both playing independently --or together, for that matter --and he gives her a swipe or even if she just has her own little fall, she'll come crying to me to be nursed, and it's very hard to get her to let go of me after that. It's not that I don't love holding her and it's not that I don't feel privileged to be soothing her, it's just that it's not always easy for me to stop whatever I'm doing to sit down and nurse.

I'm considering quitting nursing altogether. In some regards, I think our lives would be easier without it. Then at least my husband could comfort her on some nights instead of the job always falling to me (though he does try, to give him credit.)

Also, I've pretty much sworn off nursing bras for now. The ones I own are terrible-- I should really do a blog post on that alone. I've been wearing my normal ones that actually look presentable under a t-shirt.

The funniest thing is that, as a nursing infant - a suckling-- she wasn't so into it. I mean, she was not nearly as enthusiastic a nurser as DS was. Now all of a sudden she wants it constantly.

Underwire Again

I've given up on nursing bras for now. I'm still breastfeeding but a lot less now. I never invested in any good nursing bras and they don't look good under any of my clothes. Not buying decent bras was a mistake I made with baby 1 and which continued to my second child. I worry about ruining the shape of my regular bras, and I don't think it's as comfortable for DD but at least I can wear t-shirts again.

The Baby-Backed Flip-Flop

I am mostly nursing at night now. Which basically means that I nurse when DD wakes up and I cant (read: haven't the energy to) coax her back to bed. Which means that I spend a lot of my sleeping hours getting sucked on. Now, usually, or at least this was the case with my DS and in the early days of DD, I'll decide when to switch them from one side to the other. Usually I do the switch when I'm tired of lying on that particular side and I need a change. Or sometimes it's because I feel the pressure in the other breast or else that the milk in breast 1 is running out.
What's cute is that DD now does the switching for me. I don't know what prompts it; whether it's the same reason as me, that she is uncomfortable lying on one side for so long, or if it's also because of a low milk supply on that side. Whatever the reason is, when she decides to go for breast 2, she will abandon the side she was nursing on and climb over me to lay her head on the other breast. She gives me a little head-butt if I'm not paying attention or if I am not getting her message. 'Aah, aah' she says and nudges me a bit to get me going.

Nursing to Sleep No More

I can't really seem to nurse her to sleep anymore. Well, at least it doesn't seem to be working every time like it used to. Now I actually have to work on it.
She's always been kind of a restless nurser. Well, I shouldn't say 'always' because I don't always remember exactly-- that's why I keep this blog. But at least in recent months she'll suck suck suck and then trash and root around a bit until I redirect her. I don't remember DS ever doing that back when he was nursing. Different kid, different style, I guess. Also, just when I think she' asleep, she'll be suck suck sucking and then she'll pop up so we're face to face and give me an ear-to-ear grin with her big trademark 'aaaaahhhh'.
I just put her to sleep now not by nursing her (though that was the prelude) but by just waiting until she was tired enough and then snuggling up with her, forehead to forehead. She'll watch me and sometimes try to catch my eye and smile flirtatiously but eventually she drifted off to dreamy dream land.
Good night, little one.

Formula One

I havent' been giving her a lot of formula at all since she was born. It was mostly once a week in the beginning when I was working. Now that she's eating she just gets fed solids when I'm gone. (she's eating real solids now-- chicken! She loves it. Even though she still has no teeth.)
The thing is that she doesn't sleep really well. That is, unless she's in bed with me. She can usually make it on her own up to about midnight or one a.m. but then she wants to cuddle and nuzzle. We are not good at keeping her in her bed because we don't want her to wake up the other people in the house, especially her big brother. That's just our logistical situation right now. So she ends up with me for at least part of every night. I can't even get her to nap without nursing her or driving her around and even that doesn't necessarily work anymore.
There was one occasion when I put her in her crib with a bottle of formula-- I don't remember why -- and when I checked back on her she'd fallen asleep with her pacifier in her mouth. There happened to be one next to her. I tried that today, hoping to get the same result but it was a no-go. She's still awake but at least she's playing independently behind me. I might try to train her to go to sleep with a bottle, though. It would save me a lot of time lying down with her and trying to get her to sleep that way.
I'm not crazy about the idea of formula. I'm not crazy about feeding her straight chemicals out of a can. But I know I fed DS formula once a day starting around this age-- or maybe a little later. It was a supplement to give me a break and to make sure he was rounding up his nutrients now that he'd begun a more solid routine of solids.

Period of Uncertainty

I was sick for a couple of weeks until a few days ago. I wasn't eating much and what I was eating wasn't getting processed so well. It was in that time that I felt I was losing my breastmilk. It was also in that time that I think my menstrual cycle might have started up again. Now I'm feeling better and I'm milkier than ever. Which is good because I'm not ready to wean.
I can tell that she's becoming better fed-- or something-- because she's gone back to spitting up after she nurses. Not much-- and not every time-- but it's something she never quite grew out of. I should ask the doctor about it, I suppose.

Breast Biting Has Begun

She doesn't have any teeth yet, but wowsers, does she have a solid set of gums. I guess you can't really say that she's biting my nipple but just imagine someone trying to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste out of a tube-- using a laundry wringer. That's what I feel like. The laundry. Ouch!

Spit and Suck

When she gets upset in the middle of the night and I bring her to my bed, she often comes still bearing her pacifier in her mouth. I used to have to remove it for her before I could introduce the breast, but lately she just spits it out and waits, open mouthed for her dinner-- or midnight snack, as it were.

I invested (heavily-- those things are pricey) in some all natural rubber pacifiers. She's has never been picky about the shape or size or texture of soother I give her and she took to these well. The only problem is that they are a translucent honey colour, which makes them almost impossible to find when dropped on virtually any surface. The other day we were at the planetarium and she was complaining while the lights were still on before the show started. So I let her start nursing. In the meantime, I dropped this pacifier just as the night sky began appearing overhead. I wanted to keep her satiated so as not to disturb the presentation so I had to hunt all over the ground for the thning-- several times. The show was about half an hour long and I must have spent at least three-quarters of the time feeling around for it.

New Breastfeeding Patterns At 8 Monhs

Whereas baby used to get hungry at about the same time as I would start to feel full, a different nursing pattern seems to be emerging. The above situation still does happen, but nowadays it's rare that I get overfull until a few minutes after she starts suckling. But then --watch out for your eyes, ladies and gentlemen- the geyser erupts at her beckoning and she gets a mouthful-- or I get a shirt full if she gets distracted and raises her head to check out the commotion that her brother and /or cousins are inevitably making in some other part of the room.

Milk From Another Mother - Reflections on Wet Nursing

I nursed another baby today. I never thought I would do that. My sister-in-law left for her sister's wedding in New York. The original plan was to take the baby -- a two-month old (or three? Three.) with her but for various reasons she ended up leaving her behind. She'd had bottles before; many times, in fact. She also regularly takes a pacifier. But for some reason, she was refusing to take it this morning, and that's when I walked in the door. I found the ladies of the house fretting and fussing and the baby howling and covered in formula. I tried my hand at feeding her with the bottle but to no avail. The kids wouldn't suck. So I did what I guess is instinctive. I lifted up my shirt. And the house fell silent. She ate. And ate. She must have been hungry. My own baby was sleeping in her bassinet, and anyway she's old enough for solids. So when she woke up it was solids for her. Powdered barley cereal followed by an avocado.

I didn't really like nursing another child. It has nothing to do with this particular kid. I'm just attached, I guess you could say, to my own suckling. It wasn't a nice feeling for me during or after. I realize I'm doing a nice thing and actually it would have been kind of cruel of me to refuse but I don't have to like it. I feel bad for the kid. Part of nursing is about bonding and being held and feeling close and warm. I do like the kid. After all, she's my niece and she's a pretty cute kid-- what's not to like? She smiles. She smiles at me. She's nice. But she's not mine and I was rather uncomfortable nursing her and so I felt bad that the baby should be nursed by someone whose heart was not completely into it. I also am very possessive, even about my breast milk and I was silently apologizing to DD in my head for sharing it.

I was still there when my niece woke up a few hours later. Ioffered to go out and get another formula for her to try out. Maybe that was the problem. I suggested that we try feeing her while she was still calm and before she got really hungry and frantic. Neither of these plans worked. As soon as we put the bottle to her, she opened up her mouth and howled. She refused the bottle in any way shape or form and so I fed her again. My baby had formula.

Later on in the evening my niece was looking at me from her baby chair. Flirting, my mother in law called it. Seducing me.

When by brother-in-law came home he managed to give her a bottle, thankfully. Apparently she's used to taking it from him.

We're home now and my mother in law just called to so say that DH forgot his cell phone there and, by the way, the baby was howling....

My baby is now asleep. Probably not for the night. But what choice do I have? I'm going to have to go back and feed the other.

Training Bra

I'm back to training bras, I realized today. I was standing in my bathrobe and selecting undergarments this morning when my sister walked in and fingered the bra I'd set aside. "It's a sleeping bra. A nursing sleeping bra." I told her. She wrinkled her nose. "THIS is what you wear during the day?" Sometimes. They were cheap-- a great big sale at Sears. Buy one get the second for $3. Looking back, I should have just splurged on a real nursing bra for forty-five bucks and then added an extra three to get second one. But yes, I can nurse and wear sleeping bras during the day. I am that small. They're not all that comfortable for me, actually. You can't adjust how tight you want them around your body. But the nursing mechanism is easy and effective. Also they don't do much to prevent leakage. But for the most part they're ok.

The Big Leak

I had a big leak today while teaching. I had to run to the classroom next door and borrow the teaching assistant's scarf to cover up the to huge wet spots on my bosom. My nipples were busting through my bra, t-shirt and thin sweater I was wearing. It got pretty uncomfortable for me. My boobs haven't been this rock hard in a long time. I don't think any of the students noticed or if they would even recognize it for what it was if they saw it. I don't even wear nursing pads that often anymore. Goes to show... you never can tell. Worst thing is that I had to hang around after work for an extra hour because of a staff meeting. BOY, was I glad to see DD when I got home. She was sleeping but she managed to make me feel a lot more comfortable even in her dream state.

The Big Grab

Baby is at that point in breastfeeding where she knows where the boob is hiding and how to get to it. She's a very grabby kid-- her hands are always busy. And when she wants a munch she grabs my shirt at the collar or at the bottom and gives a yank while burying her face in my bosom.

There are also new pre-eating anticipatory noises. Heh heh heh heavy breathing says "you're really not getting it to me fast enough, mum." Some things don't need interpretation.

Bottle, Baby!

She's had bottles from day 1 but rarely. Now that she's started solids, we haven't increased the bottles but she did have a bottle with water for the first time the other day. It's one of those tiny newborn ones. She took it and fed herself! We didn't hold it at all! Well, at least not until her brother decided to help her out and took over the feeding. She didn't mind. As long as she can suck on something, she's happy.

Spit-Up Again

For about a month or so she stopped spitting up entirely. Now she started again. Could it be because she's so full from the solids she's eating. Maybe. Maybe it's because she's more stable now in sitting and such and so I bounce her around more than I used to? Maybe.

Solid Baby

Goodbye nice, caramel-smelling poops that just wipe or rinse away. Hello solid poops that are more like poop poop and much less pleasant to change. When baby starts eating solids, it's time to get the clothespins ready.

The pace towards solids with her is much slower than it was with her brother. As I remember it, he took to solids on his first try. With her, it's still two steps forward and one step back. Some gets swallowed, most gets drooled. She loves the spoon, though. She loves to hang onto it and chew on the end.

Most of her intake is still through solids. She eats about one meal per day right now of solid food and that seems to be enough. As she starts to get better at eating I'll add more solid meals per day.

Nipple Confusion? I'm Confused!

They say that there is such a thing as nipple confusion-- that the baby learns to suck on something other than the nipple such as a pacifier or a bottle which makes it difficult for them to return to the breast. Well, with my baby I think the case is more that she actually prefers to suck on the pacifier over my warm, milky breasts! Sometimes she gets so frustrated with my non-mobile appendages that she starts flailing around until I give her the pacifier. Then she settles down and falls asleep suck suck sucking peacefully.
Am I insulted? Well, I am a little bit hurt, yes. DS would be content to just nurse all the time. The pacifier was only a toy. But she loves the thing so much that she has already learned to put in in her mouth by herself! At six months!

Moving On To Solids II

'Solids' is a scary word when you're breastfeeding. Whether or not you like breastfeeding, there are some things about it that are beneficial. Of course there's the health aspect-- baby gets the right mix of nutrients with a healthy dose of antibodies. There's the sterility of it-- no boiling bottles all the time, unless, of course, if you're pumping. There's also the sweet-smelling poops-- am I the only one who likes the smell of my kids' poops? I'm talking strictly when they're breastfeeding, not once they start to take solids and then it just smells and looks like poop. Until that time, it smells like caramel or buttered popcorn. I guess it's also mind over matter. I say the word 'poop' and you're not exactly picturing the movie theatre... I hope. Of course, then there's also the benefit, though of course there's no guarantee, of natural birth control. At the very least, it puts off your period for a little while.

Often, as the mother, you're the only one who can soothe and settle your child, can make them fall asleep.

Breastfeeding is also a big way of bonding with your child. She looks at you and wraps her whole little hand around your finger or plays with your hair or your face. You're close. You know that you're made of the same stuff. When she's hungry, you feel it. It causes you to seek quiet spaces with her aone. Most of these are things that bottle and solid feeding doesn't provide.

It's not impossible to imagine that starting solids can be a somewhat scary experience. You may feel as though it will put distance in between you and your child. Well, I think that in fact it will change your relationship in that all of a sudden you are freer, whether you like it or not.

Personally, the anticipation of introducing solids was much worse for me than the actual introduction of it the first time around. For one thing, it's really, really gradual. They're not eating solids on any regular basis for at least a couple of months. They still need to nurse. And for the most part, they still want to. I didn't completely wean him for another 8 months after that, and then it was only because I was pregnant and it was just too much demand on my body. (So much for birth control, I guess.)

This time around, I am still a little anxious about it but overall much more relaxed and looking forward to being able to leave her with other people for longer periods of time.

Moving On to Solids I

I remember that the transition to solid foods at six months when I was breastfeeding my DS was very difficult. Imagine-- except for one tiny kick-start of sperm, he's made entirely of me for the nine months of conception and the first half-year outside the womb. Each ounce on his body can trace it's way to me. Now all of a sudden there's this foreign stuff. Food. It's... good. At least, that's the way it was for DS. He took the first spoon of mushy carrots on his half-birthday and there was no looking back.

I was having similar hesitations when it came time today to feed DD her first spoonfuls. I'd gone to the health food store and bought her organic brown rice baby cereal. We chose today for her first solid meal (if you can call baby mush solid) because the whole family was to be together. It didn't go exactly as planned. She took a spoonful of the stuff and spit it out. Same with the next spoonful. I don't think she was so excited for the subsequent spoonfuls. We don't think any of it actually went down. Then I tasted it myself and I can't say that I blamed her. The stuff was downright bitter. I think I'll boil up some of the organic carrots or sweet potato that I bought for her and try that next.

Who Knows Breast?

Who knows best? Mother, of course. Mother knows best about breastfeeding her child. The other day I was at my in-laws. Baby had a very sore bottom from a bad diaper rash. She was crying and uncomfortable. This much was obvious to me, and I was trying to help her through it. I tried nursing her but she wasn't going for it. In the meantime, my in-laws and assorted family members decided that the kid was hungry. The kid was not hungry. Having just released a couple of breasts full of milk into her mouth, I was fairly certain of this. I know her eating rhythms and I just knew she wasn't crying for food. My mother-in-law, who I like very much but who is clinically neurotic-- especially when it comes to feeding her grandchildren -- told me that when she was breastfeeding (nearly 30 years ago and then each time for only one month postpartum) she would give a bottle after every feeding and keep giving bottles until she was sure the baby was not hungry. Most babies I know tell their moms when they're hungry. My husband sure does. I'm sure he didn't ever get a chance to when he was a baby. God bless. This was a whole new frontier for neuroticism.
Anyway, I finally consented to let them give her a bottle of formula. I warned them though that just because she drinks it, doesn't mean she was hungry. It just means she's getting a snack that's sweeter and easier to drink than breastmilk. I think of it as baby candy. They fed her a big bottle and she drank it down, smiling. Two minutes later she resumed her writing and wailing which lasted until I put a soothing ointment on her bottom.
I am really a difficult person to offend, but this whole situation got to me. Who are they to tell me whether or not she'd eaten enough? Her sustenance is derived through my body. I would call that a pretty strong bond. I feel my breasts fill up, I feel them release the milk. Would I question them if they told me they'd just peed? Even my husband was begining to doubt me, and he's usually quite good about these things. In fact, it was his doubt that made me doubt myself and let me decide to allow her a bottle. Next time I'll just stick to what I know-- though the only way to get them off my back and keep the peace was to let them try to bottle feed her. (Maybe they all were having secret maternal urges and just wanted to feed her.) She drinks formula about once a week when I'm working, but when I'm around, I'd much rather she gets fed the old fashioned way. Also, that's how I know when she's had enough.